Thursday, September 27, 2012

How to deal with a celebrity fender bender during CARMAGEDDON II STORMWATCH

Normally my predictions are way off, but I recently made a prediction that was spot on. On Wednesday afternoon, I predicted that the National Football League referee labor dispute would be settled, primarily due to pressure from inconvenienced degenerate gamblers. Within a few hours, a settlement had been reached, and I'm convinced that it was because of gambler pressure.

Well, it's good that's out of the way, allowing those of us in southern California to turn our attention to the catastraophic events that will occur this weekend.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, you should be aware that for the second time in two years, a critical stretch of Interstate 405 will be closed this weekend. At the same time, there is a slight chance of rain.

And you know what that means.


This, as anyone who watches local news in Los Angeles will tell you, pretty much means non-stop, crazed coverage. There will be reporters in Westwood and other locations, standing next to major traffic routes, reporting LIVE on everything that is going on or not going on at their locations. And if it rains, they will be wet and will show LIVE pictures of puddles of water. Riveting.

Yes, I know that the original Carmageddon turned out to be a dud. And I know that I personally live fifty miles away from Interstate 405, and theoretically shouldn't be affected by the stuff that goes on in El-Lay.

But I'm still worried.

Why? Because CARMAGEDDON II STORMWATCH will take place in Los Angeles, and frankly we were lucky the last time. When a freeway closure and rain occur at the same time, any other event, albeit small, may be enough to throw Los Angeles - and all of the southwestern United States - into cataclysmic apocalyptic chaos.

And if something big happens, the devastation could be severe.

If you don't believe me, consider this scenario:

  • Imagine that O.J. Simpson is released from a Nevada prison on Friday.
  • Simpson, who would presumably be unaware of CARMAGEDDON II STORMWATCH due to his extended "stay" outside of the state of California, arrives in Los Angeles just in time for the weekend.
  • Now imagine that, at the same time that Simpson is driving his late-model Ford vehicle in the neighborhood of Sunset and Sepulveda, noted erratic driver Amanda Bynes happens to be at the same location.
  • If this happens, the two cars are bound to connect because of celebrity attraction.

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You can imagine the devastation that would ensue. But by preparing for this occurrence now, we will be able to deal with it.

First, remain calm. Try to refrain from tweeting in ALL CAPS - unless, of course, you are tweeting the words CARMAGEDDON II STORMWATCH.

Second, in this instance leave the reporting to the professionals. I know that most celebrity events benefit immensely from the presence of "citizen journalists." However, because of the danger of multi-state gridlock, this is the one time when you want to leave the reporting to Perez Hilton and Harvey "I Do Not Fear Death" Levin. Remember that even if Perez and Harvey get into a fight themselves, they are professionals and will be able to continue reporting everything that goes on.

Third, try not to take sides between the two celebrities. Yes, I know that Bynes is (relatively) young and still cute (at least until the meth damage sets in). However, do not forget that O.J. was NOT criminally charged with murder, so don't let that enter your thought processes. And really, would you want to anger the fan base of either of the celebrities? Just keep your mouth shut and observe.

Fourth, and most importantly - if Fred Goldman (yes, he's still around) shows up on the scene, give up all hope of the survival of our civilization. In that case, we're done for.
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