Canine Biometric Access to Secure Cloud Infrastructures (Using Gluten-Free Blockchain)
John E. Bredehoft[1][2]
Paradigm-shifting, self-actualizing firms are undoubtedly the wave[3] of the future, because they will get bigly[4] press just by being mentioned. Let's face it - you aren't going to get ahead in life by talking[5] about Sears.
I recently received[6] a very important communication from a senior representative of a paradigm-shifting, self-actualizing firm[7]. As I investigated the revolutionary nature of this particular business, I ran across a picture[8] of the staff of said company. Now I don't know if they were employees, or if 90% of them were gig workers who earned non-tradeable credits (rather than cash) for showing up on picture day. But the picture clearly indicates that the firm is like cool and stuff - primarily because two of the staff are holding dogs.
Those who claim that this is merely a picture of tech workers holding dogs are clinging to antiquated views of society which are no longer relevant in the post-Bitcoin world. Outmoded views of canine "ownership" are an antiquated[9] way of thinking that should be consigned to the scrap heap. Obviously these canines are employees of the company, just like people are, and the only reason that they are being held is to comply with ADA[10] regulations.
While I am not in any way whatsoever implying that being a working canine is a disability, that's what the law says, and tech companies obviously must accommodate their canine workers. But how can this be done when businesses abandon password-based authentication for biometric models[11]? While most[12] animals are unable to communicate to enter a password, most modern biometric systems are unable to accommodate horses, canines, or other species. Right?
Wrongo.
To prove this, let me quote two excerpts from a REAL academic paper[13]:
The zebra is the most obvious example for an animal with minutiae based markings. The minutiae are easily recognized by human inspection....[T]here is some evidence that the pattern of the Zebra's fur has randotypic parts....
The line structures of the Acanthurus lineatus ... contain a few minutiae which seem to behave different for different fishes.
While the paper focuses on skin patterns, there are other biometric methods in use in the animal kingdom. Facial recognition is actually quite common[14]. Facial recognition is being used for salmon, cows, chickens, pigs, sheep, lions, tigers, birds, elephants, lemurs, whales, cats, ...and dogs[15].
PiP was developed from scratch by 15-year facial recognition technology veteran Daesik Jang, and Rooyakkers claims it’s actually more sophisticated than systems used for humans. “Humans have very standard faces,” he says. “For the most part, we know where the eyes, nose, and mouth should be. With pets, you have a huge variation–anything from the shape of nose to the overall shape of the skull.”
That makes the basic task more difficult, but PiP makes an effort. Using algorithms to classify characteristics and look for patterns, it weights each animal on a scale, and keeps learning as new pets are added by users. Rooyakkers claims a 98% identification accuracy rate during trials.
As anyone who is involved in facial recognition knows, 98% accuracy is not exactly a ringing endorsement.[16] But it's not bad.
However, I have not yet gotten to the meat (sorry vegans) of this paper - specifically, how can canine access be granted using gluten-free blockchain? After all, any solution that does not use gluten-free blockchain[17][18] is by definition oppressive and fascist. The following two references will not answer this important question, but they add a couple of additional references to my paper that should help me achieve my objective - more research funding.
In December 2017, Hacker Noon published a post[19] entitled "Ten years in, nobody has come up with a use for blockchain." But that obviously is fake news, so the very next month Hacker Noon published another post[20] entitled "10+ Uses for Blockchain that will Change the World."
And there you have it. I have successfully written a post with the title "Canine Biometric Access to Secure Cloud Infrastructures (Using Gluten-Free Blockchain)."
I never claimed that the post had to make sense.
Or that GSX 2019 would actually accept this[21] as a presentation[6].
[1] Empoprises, 1 Empire Way Suite 2525, Guasti, CA 91743.
[2] Graduate of California State University, Fullerton, California. Not that they care about this.
[3] https://947thewave.radio.com/
[4] https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-37483869
[5] https://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/2018/01/sears-titanic.html
[6] https://empoprises.tumblr.com/post/182011686804/casting-the-wide-net
[7] https://www.ceros.com/
[8] https://www.ceros.com/about/meet-the-team/
[9] https://www.peta.org/about-peta/why-peta/pets/
[10] https://hypebeast.com/2019/1/blind-beyonce-fan-claims-singers-website-violates-the-americans-with-disabilities-act
[11] https://blogs.thomsonreuters.com/answerson/is-biometric-authentication-the-death-of-the-password/
[12] https://www.damninteresting.com/clever-hans-the-math-horse/
[13] https://www.bromba.com/knowhow/BiometricAnimals.htm
[14] http://nymag.com/developing/2018/10/what-creatures-may-we-place-in-the-panopticon.html
[15] https://www.fastcompany.com/3020590/this-app-recognizes-your-pets-facial-features-to-find-them-when-theyre-lost
[16] The U.S. Department of Commerce, National Institute of Standards and Technology is adversely impacted by the current U.S. federal government shutdown. Or something else is going on.
[17] http://blog.coincafe.com/2015/08/20/bitcoin-an-interview-with-gluten-free-bitcoins/
[18] https://www.instagram.com/glutenfreebitcoin/
[19] https://hackernoon.com/ten-years-in-nobody-has-come-up-with-a-use-case-for-blockchain-ee98c180100
[20] https://hackernoon.com/10-uses-for-blockchain-that-will-change-the-world-c5b96cf7c976
[21] https://www.gsx.org/gsx-blog/call-for-presentations/
