Wednesday, April 21, 2010

(empo-plaaybizz) Some more ideas for badges

JR Raphael at eSarcasm was somewhat disturbed by Apple's policies regarding which applications it will and will not allow in its App Store, but was somewhat inspired by Jobs' response.

Jobs has a new mantra in the never-ending debate over Apple’s App Store censorship: If you want porn, go to Android. The concept first came up during the company’s iPhone 4 event, when Jobs answered a reporter’s question about why Apple doesn’t allow unsigned apps onto its devices.

“There’s a porn store for Android,” he said. “You can download nothing but porn. You can download porn, your kids can download porn. That’s a place we don’t want to go, so we’re not going to go there.”

(It’s true: You can download porn. You can also download unspeakably immoral things like satirical political cartoons, photos of girls in bikinis, and — gasp! — apps that contain competitors’ names in their titles.)

The Android-is-porn notion came up again this week, when Jobs reportedly answered a user’s e-mail about Apple’s ongoing censorship of not-even-remotely-X-rated applications. His response:

“We do believe we have a moral responsibility to keep porn off the iPhone. Folks who want porn can buy [an] Android phone.”

The inspiration? JR hit upon a way for people to declare their opposition to Apple's App Store policies.

The solution? The "Android Porn Badge," downloadable from the eSarcasm post. T-shirts and other goodies also available from eSarcasm's CafePress store. Apparently eSarcasm didn't get the memo that making money off of blogging is evil, but that making money as a consultant and telling people that they shouldn't make money off of blogging is perfectly fine.

But I digress.

Which means, of course, that I need to give myself the "I Can't Keep On Topic" badge.

Why? Because badges are really really like kewl and stuff. How do I know that they're kewl? Because Steven Hodson has already commented on how ridiculous the whole badge thing it.

What are we all, a bunch of boy or girl scouts looking to elevate our status based on some virtual badge?

Really, if your only solution to try and convince people (and VCs as well as some sucker company) that your product is worth coming back to because of some stupid badge then I would suggest that you deadpool yourself and get a real job.

(See my prior comments on Hodson's post. But again I digress, which means that I am entitled to the message YOU HAVE DIGRESSED 2X IN ONE POST!)

But despite Hodson's objections, I think that we need more silly badges, either based upon true physical locations (such as a Starbucks) or on virtual locations (such as an App Store).

Of course, I want to start with the badges that I can easily earn, based upon my usual habits. Because I have no graphic capabilities, my suggestions are text only. You'll have you use your imagination to visualize what these badges would look like.

  • MUSIC AD NAUSEUM: You listened to the same song 10 times in a row!

  • BIZ-SNORE: You fell asleep in a company meeting!

  • STARFLEET REPETITION: You just raided a crystal mine 10 times in a row!

But, as any self-proclaimed social media expert will gladly tell you, badges need to be inclusive and optimizing and whatever other buzz words need to be stated (or misstated). So I also need to consider the badges that I'm not qualified to earn:

  • EYJAFJALLAJOKULL 10: You've been stuck in an airport for 10 days because of the Iceland volcano!

  • FISTVERGNUGEN 10: You've been hit for the 10th time by some stupid Volkswagen spotter!

  • QUESTION SEO: You've received your first Twitter DM from an SEO expert...and you can't find the person in a search engine!

  • AIR FORCE ONE: You're the President of the United States! (This is a hard badge to get.)

  • BABY ON BOARD: Hey, the signs jumped the shark in the last millennium; time for the badges!

  • LARRY'S KIDS: Your company was acquired by Oracle!

  • METABADGER BADGER BADGER: Your badge collection is growing like mushrooms in a hothouse, and is snaking around all over the place!

Which naturally leads to

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