(DISCLAIMER: These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. In other words, we don't know what the heck we're talking about, but it sounds really good.)
We at Empoprises are worried that BILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE GOING TO DIE!
As our society adopts modern faddish foods, we have observed that more and more Americans are suffering from GLUTEN DEFICIENCY.
What is gluten deficiency? Well, while this recent scientific study is only tangentially related to gluten deficiency, we're going to cite it anyway to prove our claims.
After consulting with authoritative experts, we have identified the major symptoms of gluten deficiency.
1. Tiredness and inability to sleep
2. Shortness of breath
3. An intense preoccupation with sex
4. Increased use of the Internet
If you are suffering from ZERO OR MORE of these symptoms, then you probably have gluten deficiency, and you need to take immediate action to avoid risk of death.
Luckily for you, we at Empoprises have partnered with noted medical authority Babubhai Patel to provide the product EmpoSuperGlut to combat gluten deficiency. For three low payments of $399.99 each (plus tax, shipping, and handling), you too can reverse your gluten deficiency and restore your health! For more information, consult the EmpoSuperGlut website.
I guess tech isn't an organic joke (the Twitter analytics of @empoprises and what this means for Ontario Emperor's "Salad") - I thought I'd peek into the analytics for my @empoprises Twitter account, and I spent a bit of time analyzing the audience insights. Insights are available...
4 hours ago